Mind

The first time I remember hearing about boundaries, I was a 12 year-old sitting in a psychiatrist’s office in Canmore, Alberta.

“You love monkeys right?” Asked the doctor as he leaned in.

“Well, primates but yes, monkeys too.” I replied.

There was a second of silence as I quickly realized I was missing the point.

“Yes, yes.” He continued. “Well let’s imagine we all have a bunch of monkeys that follow us around. We have to corral them and look after them. They are our responsibility.”

I nodded, slightly confused.

“The problem is that not everyone looks after their monkeys. Sometimes they get out of control and try and jump on our shoulders. They distract and upset us making it difficult to look after our own monkeys.

So, in order to make things work, it’s important to learn how to focus exclusively on our own monkeys. We do this by creating boundaries and remembering:

Not my monkeys. Not my problem.”

We locked eyes and he quietly made what I imagined was supposed to be a monkey noise.

It’s been 20…excuse me…23 short years since I heard that line and it still finds me every now and then.

The doctor probably went into more details about how to create boundaries but I remember absolutely nothing about that part.

I’ve had to fumble in the dark trying to figure it out ever since and this alone has been one of the hardest parts of managing my mental health. Part of the reason why it’s been so hard is because I don’t want to fucking do it!

Creating boundaries is hard and enforcing them is even harder.

Now when you think of someone who has boundary issues you might not think of yourself.

Maybe you say “no” to people. Maybe you are careful not to let people blatantly walk all over you. Maybe you even write angry letters and vent.

Just because you have boundary issues with one or two people doesn’t mean you have boundary problems with everyone. That fact can cloud your judgement.

Also, boundaries go two ways. There are boundaries regarding how people treat you but also about how YOU treat people in return.

I’ve found that most boundaries infractions happen in micro actions. They are sometimes so subtle that someone looking in might not even notice. They can be very relationship specific which makes them a bit hard to diagnose and treat.

Sometimes it’s not about saying NO to someone else. It’s about saying YES to yourself instead.

So, I hear you wondering aloud. Who do I have boundary issues with?

Drum roll, please….

MY PARENTS!

My lovely, crazy, complicated, unusual, incredible parents.

I feel terribly guilty whenever I don’t put my life on hold for them or drop everything to make things easier when they need me.

Let me be clear, they don’t guilt me into this. They aren’t purposefully manipulating me. They encourage me to look after myself and my marriage. They desperately want me to be happy.

Problem is, I’m addicted. I’ve been addicted to “fixing” things for them since I was very small especially when it comes to my mother. It’s a codependency thing, but that’s a topic for another day.

It’s become a big part of my identity and THAT is my own fault. My actions and reactions are my own responsibility.

At first this is scary but, when you really think about it, it’s actually very empowering. If you’re the problem, you can just as easily become the solution.

 

WHAT EXACTLY ARE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES?

I love this definition of personal boundaries from (of all places) Wikipedia. It states:

“Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.”

Boundaries are necessary in any relationship. Even if you don’t notice or actively enforce these boundaries, there are always certain boundaries in play.

For instance, you wouldn’t tell your boss details about your sex life. There is an implied boundary there. If you did, your boss would most likely tell you it was inappropriate thereby reinforcing the boundary between your personal and professional lives.

We grow up learning about many implied boundaries but most of us don’t actively know how to create or change them.

 

3 WAYS TO FIGURE OUT YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES

So now we understand the value of boundaries. While that’s all well and good but how do we enforce our boundaries if we don’t know what they are?

When we don’t have a good grasp of our own boundaries, we are more likely to “go with the flow” and follow the boundaries of other people.

In order to figure out your boundaries, you have to figure out yourself. It’s really important to know yourself and your limitations.

Some ways to do that include:

~ Spending some time thinking about what you will tolerate and what kinds of things make you feel stressed or uncomfortable ~

For me, people raising their voices in anger makes me really uncomfortable and I will immediately leave any space where it’s happening.

I have made an agreement with myself that I will never have to tolerate that kind of behaviour and, the few people who have yelled at or around me, have witnessed my limitations.

It can be helpful to create a list. It’ll never be exhaustive because people are people and some of them will always find ways to push you in ways you couldn’t predict!

You can think of situations in the past and imagine upcoming situations where you might run into boundary issues. Jotting them down in journal-style entries may also help.

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~ Get good at being mindful ~

When we are mindful we are fully engaged in the present moment. We pay attention to what is happening around us.

If we are not used to enforcing our boundaries, we can often find ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

Once in these types of situations happen it can be really easy to “zone out” in order to avoid confrontation. You might be so used to it you don’t even notice you’re doing it!

Get into the practice of noticing as I like to call it so that you can plug into your present reality.

I’ll be honest, it’s not something that will happen overnight and it can be tough, but it’s worth the effort.

I recently wrote a blog post about getting started with mindfulness. You can find it by clicking here.

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~ Start a conversation ~

There’s nothing to say you can’t open up a conversation with others about what their personal boundaries are. It can be a casual one over a cup of coffee.

I do suggest, however, that you don’t have these conversations with people that you are currently having trouble establishing or maintaining boundaries with. Figure things out for yourself before letting their ideas cloud your judgement.

Choose someone whose boundaries you respect. Chances are, they will have asserted them with you in the past.

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7 WAYS TO ASSERT YOUR BOUNDARIES

 

1. Give yourself permission.

It’s important that you make a conscious effort to assert your boundaries but, before you can do that, you need to give yourself permission to put yourself first. That can be extremely difficult if you’re out of practice.

Start treating yourself with the respect and care you’d give your best friend. When you get into an uncomfortable, boundary-pushing situation, give yourself the advice you’d give to him or her. You’d never let someone walk all over them.

2. Pay Attention to Your Feelings.

If you feel resentful or uncomfortable, that’s a cue that your boundaries are being pushed. If you’re used to rolling over in situations with a certain person, it’ll be very important to tap into the way you feel around that person.

When you feel unsettling emotions, analyze the situation to figure out why you’re feeling this way. Really dig into the situation – if not in the moment – then later on when you are alone. Journaling your feelings can help.

3. Start Small.

Setting and enforcing boundaries can be a bit scary so, if you’re feeling nervous about the whole thing, start small.

An example of starting small is politely sending back your drink when a waiter brings you a coke instead of the diet coke you ordered. Perhaps you’d usually just suck it up. Practice being polite but assertive.

4. Pick Your Battles.

Just because you are now asserting your boundaries doesn’t mean that every single issue has to become a war-zone.

I’m not saying you have to let the big things go, I’m just saying you might exhaust yourself early on if you take on too much at the start.

The goal isn’t to become confrontational. Confrontation is just a possible by-product.

5. Avoid the need to debate or explain.

Your boundary is your boundary. Don’t get into a tug-of-war over whether it’s right or wrong. That is not the issue. The issue is how the interaction is making you feel.

6. Back up boundary setting with action.

It’s usually not enough to simply say something is making you uncomfortable. Sometimes you have to assert the action you will take if that boundary continues to be infringed. This is a bit of a judgement call and you will need to assess the severity of the situation.

For instance, you wouldn’t tell the waiter to bring you the right drink and then say you’ll complain to their manager if they don’t get it right this time.

That’s a bit much.

However, if someone is yelling at you, it IS important that you say something along the lines of, “Unless you lower your voice and speak to me in a respectful manner, I will leave the room/house/office until you’re ready to speak about this calmly.”

Follow that up with immediate action if the behaviour continues.

7. Expect Anger.

You are not responsible for the way other people react to you asserting your boundaries. You are only responsible for the way you do it. Expect that some people will get angry or annoyed when their always amenable friend/daughter/mother suddenly develops a backbone.

Try to remove your emotions from the equation and think about the situation logically. Is it fair that your coworker has dumped his extra work on you because he has time management issues?

No.

Is it fair that you politely direct him to a manager to help him restructure his workload?

Of course it is.

 

Trust me, I know that figuring out, setting and maintaining boundaries can be super difficult. It’s not something that will feel natural overnight so be patient with yourself and celebrate every small victory (ideally with an act of self-care).

Have you had any success asserting your boundaries lately? Let me know below…

My psychiatrist told me something that changed the way I looked at my mental health forever.

He told me that my goal shouldn’t be to rid myself of depression.

He said I would always be prone to depressive episodes and that the goal should be make these episodes less frequent and less intense.

He also once told me that his favourite food was Frog Leg Soup, but I digress. The depressive episode thing was more important, but I seem to remember both on a very regular basis.

Focusing on de-intensifying (is that a word?) my depressive episodes seems like a much more manageable task and it’s fairly easy to see if it’s working.

A depressive episode approaches different people in different ways.

For some it’s like a slow fog rolling in that slowly clouds your perception and makes the world feel gray.

For others it comes swiftly like a light being turned off on a dark night.

It can be either one for me. Most times if feels like a warm bath that starts rapidly cooling off. It starts out slightly uncomfortable but soon I’m shivering violently (and by shivering I mean ugly snot crying until my eyes can barely open).

Depressive episodes also vary in length.

At this point in my life, mine are about a week long which is awesome considering they used to last six plus months.

Point is, it’s different for everyone. Preventing and managing a depressive episode properly means less downtime for our souls and less bewilderment from our friends and family.

In short, it means a better life in general.

I’m not an expert when it comes to depression, but I’d consider myself an expert when it comes to MY depression.

Hopefully you can grab some tips that’ll help you become an expert in yours too!

Here are the things I do to manage my depressive episodes:

TRACK, TRACK, TRACK

This is really important. When I first started up my antidepressants again about five years ago I wrote down everything. I’m not big into journaling but I did write down the side-effects and how I felt.

This helped me immensely when I was switched to a generic version of Wellbutrin and I went off the rails emotionally. I knew instantly what the cause was and I was able to get back on track as quickly as possible.

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FIGURE OUT YOUR TRIGGERS

Tracking is the best way to figure out your triggers. This will help you figure out what a normal mood fluctuation is and what might actually be the beginning of a downward spiral.

Using a scale of 1-10, mark down how interactions and environments make you feel emotionally AND physically.

Remember that depression manifests physically and being tired and experiencing aches and pains that you can’t account for can be symptoms.

Here are MY most common triggers:

• Stressful interactions with my parents
• Lack of sleep
• Untidy living environment
• Worrying about money
• My husband going out of town for work
• Too much dairy (please see this article for more insight into this)

Now, a trigger doesn’t mean you’ll end up in a full-blown depressive episode. I look at it as a warning sign so that I can pull shit back before it’s too late. It’s kind of light a yellow light at an intersection. Slow down and pay attention.

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CREATE A DAILY ROUTINE

This one is important but very subjective. Some people get really bogged down by an overly strict routine while others I know absolutely thrive on it.

I’m somewhere in the middle.

If I go too long without a routine, then I start to spin. If I have too much of a routine, then I get bored and restless (which can also lead to a depressive episode).

A daily routine doesn’t necessarily have to be a timed schedule. It’s more important that you fit in everything you need to feel like you’ve had a successful day.

What makes you feel like you’ve had a GOOD day?

For me, it’s the following:

• A solid four hours of work (writing, researching etc)
• Quality time with my husband including touching and kissing
• Connecting with a family member in a meaningful way (not all of them at once!)
• Spending some time ensuring that my home is tidy
• Spending some time either listening to music or doing something creative
• Making sure my personal hygiene is on point (not full make-up and such…just clean and smelling gooood)

Something else that works very well for me is to have a bedtime routine that’s separate from my other routines.

Before bed I make sure that our kitchen is tidy (often with my husband’s help), take out the dog for one last bathroom break, shower and brush my teeth AND make sure there a clean and easy-to-wear outfit ready for the next day.

Someone once said that making your bed every morning is a gift for your future self. That’s how I see leaving a clean kitchen and clean clothes for myself.

When I wake up, I wake up to gifts from my past self 😉 Awwwww…

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GET ENOUGH WATER

Okay, I admit it. I struggle with this one myself and it’s probably one of the most important factors when dealing with physical and mental healthy.

You MUST get in as much water as you possibly can during the day (no more than a litre an hour though…let’s not overwhelm our kidneys).

Personally, I need three litres per day to function at an optimal level. That’s pure water – not juice, not water in coffee (as my husband loves to remind me), not tea…just plain water.

You can add some lemons, limes or even cucumber to make it more interesting.

Even mild dehydration can negatively impact our moods according to various studies including one from the University of Connecticut. The really scary thing found in that particular study is that dehydration affects women’s moods MORE than it does men.

UGH I can see my husband’s “I told you so” face as I type this.

A lack of water doesn’t only impact depression, it can also increase anxiety and brain fog. YUCK! Not sure about you but when I can’t focus properly, that gets me really down.

I’m not going to go too much into detail in this blog post because I’ve done a completely separate one on the subject here. 

Long story short, if there’s only one thing you do on a regular basis, please make sure it’s that you’re drinking enough water. Without it, you are literally crippling your brain!

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FOCUS ON SLEEP

This is a tricky one because some of us just want to sleep all the damn time when we’re depressed. It’s like magical glue keeps us stuck to the bed or the couch (especially on those cold winter mornings, am I right?).

Having a good sleep routine is paramount when it comes to tackling depression.

Along with the whole hydration thing, this is something that I struggle with as well. I can stay up until 5 am and then sleep on and off all day.

This completely ruins my schedule, any sense of structure I might have and just plain throws me off kilter completely.

Insomnia is a big problem for some of us with depression and, in fact, studies show that that insomnia in itself raises the risk for developing depression ten-fold.

Here are a 10 ways to practice good sleep hygiene (yes, that’s actually what it’s called).

• • Make sleep a priority. Don’t let social events or family pressures keep you up later than you need to be. You can watch that movie another day. There will always be excuses to stay up (work emails, housework etc), but the benefits of a good night’s sleep will far outweigh anything you’re able to do with that extra time.

• • Leave your electronics out of the bedroom especially your phone. Turn it over and don’t look at it!

• • Get your room ready for rest! That means making it dark and cool. According to the sleep council, the ideal temperature for sleeping is 16-18°C (60-65°F). That’s a little too cool for me. I prefer around 19°C or 20°C, so figure out what works for you and make it happen! You can also use a fan to create a breeze and some white noise.

• • Clear your head. If your mind is running with thoughts of things you have to do, make a list of it all before you go to sleep knowing you can tackle it first thing in the morning.

• • Relax with water. Have a hot bath and soak in the tub before bed. If baths aren’t your thing, a warm shower will do the trick.

• • Avoid alcohol, nicotine and caffeine before bed. In fact, avoiding caffeine completely is good advice in general for those suffering with anxiety and/or depression.

• • Do some exercise during the day. It doesn’t have to be incredible amounts but a nice walk in the fresh air or a swim will help you when it comes time to sleep.

• • Read something…preferably a non-fiction book that’s not too exciting! This isn’t the time for murder mysteries haha

• • Have sex! YES! This does work. Even better, if your partner is up for it, ask them for a sexy massage followed by some pleasure. Orgasms release endorphins and they cause intense relaxation. A strong (or any orgasm really) is just the ticket to put you in a sleepy state of mind. Close contact with your partner will also help you to feel safe and secure which will ease lingering anxious thoughts.

• • Don’t toss and turn in bed. If you cannot sleep, leave the room. You don’t want to associate your bedroom with being awake. Leave the room and come back when you feel tired. That way, when you enter your room on a regular basis, your brain will have associated the space with sleep.

There are so many ways to prevent a depressive episode and, as I’ve mentioned, they can be very personal in nature. Only you know what works in your situation. Or, maybe you don’t and that’s okay too.

Take some time to figure it out and get to know yourself better. When you do, drop me a line and let me know what works for you. I’d love to chat about it 🙂

When my cousin was murdered, all I could think about was him sitting in the front seat of his hijacked car before the gunshots.

I couldn’t see his face. I could only see the outline of his neck and shoulders and the mop of his hair.

I was never there, but I put myself in that car for months and months.

It’s called rumination and most of us with anxiety and depression struggle with it. It’s the plague of the same thoughts repeating themselves again and again.

When those thoughts are dark ones, it can become gasoline for depression.

According to the American Psychological Association, one of the reasons for rumination is that people subconsciously believe they’ll gain insight into what’s happened by thinking about it again and again.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, it rarely works.

In the battle against depression and anxiety, mindfulness is the ultimate weapon. It’s one of the only ways to control rumination which makes it a very powerful tool.

Mindfulness is the awareness of the present moment without judgement. It’s the art of being here, now. It’s the practice of unleashing your curiosity about the world around you.

Learning HOW to be mindful, however, is much easier said than done.

Here are some tips to get you going:

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Start Small

Set a timer for every few hours and, when it goes off, take 60 seconds to look around and absorb what’s happening around you.

You can do it indoors but it’s a bit easier if you’re outside. Look at the sky. Notice the clouds moving or the stars twinkling. Feel the air moving against your skin. Pay attention to the birds or the crickets.

Let yourself get lost in the world around you for one full minute. If you start getting distracted by judgements or ruminating thoughts, gently pull yourself back to a minute details – the stem of a flower, the wings on an insect or the scent in the air.

If you notice yourself judging anything, acknowledge it and release it.

As you get better at being mindful, practice doing it more often rather than for longer periods of time.

Initially, learning how to switch from ruminating thoughts to mindfulness is more important than being able to sustain mindfulness for a long period of time. Soon you’ll be mindful for longer and longer.

 

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Focus on your breathing

Whenever it enters your mind, slow your breathing and concentrate on taking five seconds to breathe in and five seconds to breathe out.

Imagine your breath reaching all of your cells. As your breathe moves through you, imagine the oxygen energizing each cell and lighting it up.

Soon your body will be enveloped in thousands of tiny white lights filled with positive energy.

This short breath timing exercise video will help…

 

 

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Start A Practice of Noticing

This tip is from a Harvard psychologist named Dr. Ellen Langer who is known as the “Mother of Mindfulness.” She’s been studying the topic for forty years (sorry to age you, Ellen 😉 She basically advocates what I call the practice of noticing.

In her podcast interview with Leading Learning, Dr. Langer gives listeners some interesting exercises to jump start mindfulness in a less structured way.

One is to notice three new things every time you walk out the door. The second is to notice 3-5 new things about someone you’re living with every time you see them.

Try not to add judgement to the equation like I’ve said earlier if you’re noticing things that irritate you 😉 Accept and release all thoughts.

 

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Use a Person or a Pet to Help You Focus

One way to get out of your own head and into the present moment is to focus on a living, breathing being right in front of you.

When I’m overly distracted, I focus on teaching my 13 year-old Cocker Spaniel a new trick. He’s old and stubborn so getting him to tune in takes all of my mental energy. I focus on his body language so intently that I can get lost in our games.

Many times we just end up playing fetch and I focus on his happy little face and crazy haircut.

You can do the same thing with a person – especially a child. Start paying attention to your conversation and really tune into their energy. Some of the most fun distractions usually involve imaginary tea parties and peek-a-boo.

 

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Sink Into Good Moments

This is one of my favourite things to do and I started it when my life was filled with trauma I couldn’t control. The only things I COULD control were my actions and my perception of what was happening around me.

There was so much chaos that moments of peace were usually out of reach. That’s why when these moments did find me I started really embracing them. It was usually late at night when everyone was asleep.

I would stop and notice the quiet around me. I would notice that everyone I loved was sleeping soundly around me and the air was still.

I would think to myself, “In this moment, everything is perfect” and I would let that feeling of calm wash over me. I would sink deeply into that good moment.

Eventually I was able to do it during the day when people were awake! Haha! That’s a bit tougher.

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Hopefully these tips will help you get started. You can never be too mindful and, if you come across any other useful tips, send them my way! I’m always looking for new ways to sink into the present moment.